Human
by RedForRaph
Summary: The turtles each have a signature personality: Leonardo, the fearless leader; Michelangelo, the comic relief; Donatello, the genius; Raphael, the hot-head. But what if there's more to them than what they let you see? There's a reason for who they are and why, and it's time you found out.
1. Chapter 1

*Human: Part 1*

Being the eldest brother and leader of our team, a lot of what happens to my family falls back on me. Yes, it can be quite a bit to bear sometimes, but it's my duty, and I always have and always will do it without question.

When I practice my katas late into the night without stopping, my brothers like to joke and tease me, saying that I just want to be the perfect ninja.

They're right in a weird way, but not quite. They believe I just want to be the best, that I want to make Master Splinter proud of me, but that's not really it.

I train to be perfect in the art of ninjutsu because I NEED to be perfect in the art of ninjutsu. My ability to fight may be the difference between one or all of my brothers living or dying, and that's a lot of weight to bear.

They like to call me Fearless. Heh.

I wish.

Honestly, I'm only human. We may not look like humans, but we feel emotions just like humans do, if not more.

Fear and worry are all I usually feel nowadays. I wish I didn't have to worry about Donatello working himself sick or Raphael sneaking out at night and coming home severely injured or Michelangelo getting killed in a fight because he wasn't paying attention.

Whatever happens to my family is my fault, and I don't think they realize how seriously I accept that fact. I can honestly say I'd be whatever my family wants me to be if it'd keep them happy and safe.

My job as leader is to protect them, and if they get hurt or killed, it's because I wasn't doing my job correctly.

There's no room for error when the stakes are so high, and so I have no other options.

I must be perfect to keep my family safe.


	2. Chapter 2

*Human: Part 2*

My brothers always call me the comic relief, and I guess that's because I'm always smiling and laughing and cracking jokes. They say I never take anything seriously, that I'm a knucklehead or goofball. Overall, they say I'm happy. But honestly, how realistic is that? I mean, they gotta understand that no one can be happy ALL the time, right?

I guess I really shouldn't complain, though. Like, I'm the one who created this persona of myself. When I'm 'happy', it's easier for everyone else to be happy, you know?

I mean, no one but me can get Raphie-Boy out of one of his seriously pissy moods. And I'm the only one who can get Leo to loosen up and laugh a little in the middle of training, even though Splinter smacks us with his walking stick in disapproval. And who else but me can get Don to come out of his lab long enough to play a couple video games?

No one.

I'm the only one.

Just me.

But none of them have ever realized that I feel more emotions than just happiness. I'm just as human as they are. Er, you know what I mean.

I feel worry like Leo.

Anger like Raph.

Sadness like Donnie. I feel them all just as much as my brothers do, but I'm pretty good at hiding them. Half of the time when I'm laughing and smiling, I'm actually NOT really happy. No one can be happy all the time, but I have to pretend like I am.

Because if I'm not happy, how will my brothers be happy?


	3. Chapter 3

*Human: Part 3*

I'm the 'genius' of my family, but most of the time, I feel the most ignorant. Yes, I can tell you all about the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus, but I can't tell you the first thing about relationships with others. Or emotions, for that matter.

I'm as human as a mutant turtle can be, but still, sometimes I feel as if I'm not human at all. I just don't understand, sometimes. I guess detachment comes with intelligence. I love my family to death, but, sometimes, I just don't know how to relate to them.

When Raphael's angry, I pat him on the back and tell him everything will turn out all right. I do the same when Mikey's sad and when Leo's stressed. But I only do it because that's what I think I should do. It's almost like I'm a well-oiled machine.

Maybe this lack of emotion comes from all the times I've had to see one of my brothers sick or injured, counting on me to save their life. Being emotionally attached to a patient just makes everything so much more difficult.

So I turn it off.

At some point in my life, I learned how to turn down my ability so I won't feel as much as I used to.

I still feel happiness, but it's always dulled by the knowledge that it won't last forever.

I still feel sadness and worry and anger, but I lock it away inside myself until at some point, I finally break down, and everything I've been trying to hide rushes out and creates a giant mess for everyone else to clean up.

I'm intelligent and detached for the simple fact that my brothers need me to be. Emotions could cause me to make a decision that could end up being disastrous for one of my brothers. It's just easier this way.

Plus, my brothers have their own problems.

Why should they worry about mine?


	4. Chapter 4

*Human: Part 4*

So, my brothahs all know me as da 'hot-head' of da family. Hell ya I'm hot-headed. You'd be, too, if you had a family as dysfunctional as mine. But being completely honest here, I gotta admit I ain't as hot-headed as I make myself out to be.

It's just what I'm good at.

I'm no good at being carefree like Mike or obedient like Leo. And especially not calm like Don. I'm just no good at emotions.

If I smile too much, it feels like my brothers will think I'm a softy.

If I cry, they'll think I'm weak. Honestly, anger is da only thing I can show that won't make my brothahs see me as bein' weaker or softer than them. I like 'em thinkin' dat I'm da tough one dat can protect 'em no matter what. It makes me feel like they need me.

I may not be completely human, but I'm human enough to know what love feels like, and I love my family. I don't show or tell my brothahs enough, but I love 'em more than anything. It's just easier for me to cover up all of my emotions with anger.

This mask that I've created for myself pushes my bruthahs away from me, though. And no matter how hard I try, and can't slip out from underneath this safety blanket I've made.

Anger is safe to me.

It's not weak.

My brothahs need someone strong and brave to protect them, and so I put their feelings above my own. I get scared, sometimes. I get sad, happy, jealous... But the only thing that matters is that I'm there to protect my bruthahs.

Still, I can only take so much until I've had enough.

There's times when I'm so sad or so afraid, I'll act out in an irrational fit of rage just so my family won't bother me when I run up the stairs and into my bedroom in 'anger'.

I don't want 'em to see me so broke.

Anger is the only thing I want my family to see, because in my opinion, anger is strength, and strength protects my family.

That's all dat matters.


End file.
